Day by Day Blues

Trying to find out why am I in such a gauntlet. I set my old iPod on, put on my favorite old cap, try to shut my yes and listen to music. Hoping not get caught by all these question marks that like meteorites, shoot and pass by me at an incredible speed.

And find the answer to my unanswered questions.

Trying hard to find out what the f$%k did I do? When did I get derailed from my usual path? I think I lost my aura and the path while the coma in the ICU ward.

I thought I'd got out light, from Death's embrace. That the Devil let me go because I wasn't worth the risk to create mayhem in his turf: Hades. I was full of spunk when observing others in my situation wondering why were they depressed when there was so much to do. So many soft and sore points to care about and destroy. I had survived and thought I'd find a stronger reason to live for since, I had reached the peak during the 49 years I'd lived. I'D MADE IT !!! Little did I knew what I had coming four years later...

I lost contact with all of them from the 6th floor except one guy: TERU.

TERU isn't an amputee. He lived in Shanghai for almost ten years and as destiny would have it, one day he jumped from a window all the way down. Dunno what floor he fell from, NOR THE REAL REASON WHY. But for a confused BOTCHAMA, spoiled brat, he made it all the way to Shanghai, lived and worked there, I suspected he had good times and then that day came; he jumped. His legs buckled under and sort of almost penetrated his stomach with the impact, but he was alive albeit a dozen centimeters shorter, so to speak.

Who, I didn't ask, he didn't volunteer either, had got him into Tokyo and on the same floor as I ended up in? The NORO virus infested ward of the Kokusai Iriyo Center, Shinjuku ward, in the Winter of 2006. He had been there long before I and we sort of established a bound that only two of a kind could. He was still there when I left for another hospital not too far on X'mas Eve 2006.

Last time he and I met was at Ben's before he got a job as a graphic designer for an obscure company about two years ago. He hoped to make it fast but he stuck to what little valuable advice I had given him while we were " guests " of the NORO VIRUS ward:

DONT HURRY, DONT FRET, DONT GIVE UP, TAKE IT DAY BY DAY.

Somehow Teru took that advice to heart, stored his hyper energy and did just what I told him: he took it DAY by DAY. From one company to yet another even more obscure one he is still going strong and his legs just like him, are taking it DAY by DAY.

He WALKS. With a gait, sometimes getting tired easily but he WALKS THE WALK.

If I am this good at coaching others, why am I not good at coaching myself back to the old days minus over indulgence with booze, cigars, food, etc...? Why am I not, like TERU, able to concentrate and take it DAY by DAY? Why do I keep on attracting more and more burdening situations and meeting blood sucking leeches on every f$%king corner and paths I tread by on my Kraut power chair?

There must be somewhere around my sleepless nights an answer. Once the answer gets to me, so will the proper solution and aftercare will occur ( that said with a pinch of salt ). The problem is: will the ANSWER if it comes, come too late? Too late to practice the DAY by DAY philosophy I induced to TERU and others? Will IT ( the answer ) pop out when I am so damn depressed that when I wrap that hemp rope noose around my neck and give myself a final ticket to Hades I won't be able to abort the whole trip out of this f$%king world I'm in?

I guess s$%t does happen and not even I will be able to stop it from flying. My hope is that when I go, I will take a few of these scumbags that are onto me, to HELL. Go with panache.

It's back to Sting and the Cage of Souls gig I am listening to now while keeping on searching for an answer I suspect might have passed by me without noticing it.

As I hope to take a few scumbags in advance or with me when I croak I wait for day light to come wishing, that like the sun, the moon AND ol'Teru I could also enter their DAY by DAY monotony instead of suffering from insomnia, melancholy, anger, anguish, hate and live my short life looking for an answer I suspect will never find before I go.

Rant dedicated to TERU